Suddenly I had clarity. Homosexuality did not ruin my marriage. The truth came like a bolt of lightning: John never committed himself to me. The words of our wedding ceremony were just words as nothing ever happened in his heart. Commitment is what makes two people one. The vows people make before God are commitments and God rejects empty words. He knows the heart and out of the heart flow the issues of life. Our marriage was not of His making as there was nothing on John’s part with which to make us one.
After Cursillo my church held a dinner to celebrate the graduates of both weekends. It was lively, fun, but seething underneath, my rage boiled about my marriage. We got home, John walked the babysitter to her house and came back expecting me to lavish him with love like he had done. But I sat him down and gave him an ultimatum. He had two weeks to decide if he would commit himself to me or not. If not, we would divorce.
Highly offended, he accused me of getting nothing out of the weekend. I told him I’d already been born again at church before Cursillo. Because I was angry he didn’t believe me. He considered the way he found the Lord to be the only way someone could get born again. Though I railed at his accusation, none of this talk altered the fact that I firmly focused on his commitment to me.
What’s more, I wasn’t so sure about his salvation! I didn’t see any changes in him. His first night love-making did not have a repeat performance. He didn’t communicate with me any better than before, or with the children. He walked around the house all absorbed in himself.
Now, 34 years later, I know that no two people have the same experience being born again. For 15 years I had a radio ministry, starting with 1 station and ending up with 107 stations scattered over the world. I took people’s testimonies of how they received Jesus as Lord, or how they received any of His gifts, like healing, and I made them into short stories. Then I hired people to dramatize these stories on the radio. To do this I had to ask people wherever I went to tell me their testimony. I must have interviewed 1000s of people and I never heard the same story twice!
Everyone with a true conversion story understood that it would be impossible to be born again a second time. It would mean sending Jesus through that horrible death a second or hundredth time. There’s a popular teaching that you must be born again every day, but the Bible clearly refutes that. What a Christian does daily, if they submit themselves, is to further their Sanctification. We work at becoming the image of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But back to my story, the strangest thing happened. That other entity that now also occupied my body drew me into a deeper and deeper relationship with the Lord and I became happier and happier. In fact, emotionally I climbed into a strata I had never known in my entire life. I was thoroughly in love. I loved God with an indescribable passion. I sang to Him all day long. I’d fall asleep with a spiritual song, meaning one I must have made up or this other entity sang it through me, surging through my body from the top of my head to the ends of my toes. I’d wake up in the morning with this same song on my lips.
A sense of security settled in my soul. No matter what happened, I did not become disturbed. I knew God had my life in His hand and He would take care of whatever circumstance arose. And He always did. So when John came to me after two weeks and said he didn’t think he could commit himself to me, I shrugged it off. I didn’t care anymore. Whatever would happen in the future, Jesus and I would do it together as He was my real husband.