Having survived three years of being divorced, I returned to itinerate in the States, to introduce myself to pastors and churches as a missionary, asking for their donations. Most missionaries spend two years raising support before leaving for the field. I had raced to the field, unsupplied, thereby learning difficult but character-forming lessons. But now I was ready to face the challenge, to stand up and say who I am, what I am doing, and what I want.
My daughter and new son-in-law, Jordan, owned an old Lincoln which they loaned to me. The radiator leaked water, the motor leaked oil, the gas tank gulped gallons, only the driver’s door worked, and the electric windows remained down if allowed to go there. But I treasured that little old lady Lincoln.
Dan called the night before I started on my round-the-country “Getting to Know You” tour. “The Lord has been dealing with me to loan you my car for your trip.”
“You mean the Mitsubishi?”
“No, I totaled that last winter by sliding into a ditch. It was snowing, and I just slid very nicely off the road crushing the whole side of the car. Fortunately, the other three guys weren’t hurt. But the staff won’t let me drive at night anymore because of the accident. You know I never have seen too well at night. Anyway, I bought myself a new Camry.”
So, the first day of my road trip took me to Tennessee to switch cars. The Lincoln ran fine. I arrived about midnight and called Dan who came immediately to the motel accompanied by another staff member. He didn’t have time to see me the next morning, so the exchange had to take place right then.
I took Dan aside and asked, “Do you have an answer for the question I emailed you?” Since his entry into the program, about every six months I have asked him if he was free from homosexuality yet, and he always answered “No.” My email question was simply a six months check-up.
He shuffled his feet and said he had written a few lines and sent them to me. I asked if he could send them again as I had not received them, and then his friend cleared his throat, and they disappeared in the night as I watched the Lincoln’s tail lights swish around a corner, and a building cut my view.
The first day Dan had the Lincoln a belt busted, so the mechanic in the program changed all the belts. The second week Dan had the Lincoln the radiator ran dry, and the mechanic installed a new radiator. He called me on the road; Noelle had given me her cell phone for the journey. “I think we’d better talk about switching cars again.”
We met at Noelle’s house for Labor Day, Dan and his traveling companion, where I offered to pay for the damages, but he refused. I still had not received the email I had asked for, but I didn’t press for an answer because I was too grateful for what he had done, and I didn’t want to embarrass him.
A month later, in France, poring over the hundreds of emails that awaited my return, I came across Dan’s answer. Dear Maggie, …to answer your question about my homosexuality, God has really dissipated it. But is it absolutely gone? I have no idea; for who knows the heart but God. While I’m here, protected by God, I’m fine, but what will happen out in the world? Nothing, as long as my eyes and love of God are on Him and not myself and I’m humble and don’t get into my Pride…. Love, Dan.
I e-mailed my congratulations and started telling people that Dan was finally free. The inevitable question always followed. “Is there going to be a reconciliation?”
My stock answer became, “I don’t feel called to live in Tennessee at The Farm.” Was reconciliation possible? I guess all things are possible in Christ. Did I want reconciliation? The answer to that question eluded me, and since no email returned, I presumed no offering was even tentatively being made, so I didn’t answer the question.
That Christmas I spent with J.J. and Veronique in London, and Dan spent with Noelle and Jordan in Texas. J.J. and I called on Christmas Day and held a three-way conversation with each one there. When Dan got on the phone, J.J. asked what he had been up to, and Dan told him of overseeing the structure of a prefab house for the mother, and the grandparents of the young man I had met last summer as they were moving to The Farm to help out. When Dan spoke her name, Rose, I heard something in that name that I had never heard when he said, “Maggie.”
On Boxing Day, Veronique’s family suggested a day’s venture in Windsor Gardens, and I declined. While they romped about the meadows of the King’s hunting grounds, I stayed home to have a heart to heart talk with my King, the Lord. There were things on my chest needing to be gotten rid of.
Father, I think Dan has fallen in love! Did you hear the way he said her name? Rose? How can that be? The dream was always that he would be set free from homosexuality, and then he would want me! Wasn’t that always the plan? I remember one time saying to him, ‘After all my work preparing you to be a husband, you’ll probably ditch me and marry someone else. Then she will get all the benefits of my labor!’ I said that in anger, Lord, but it looks like it’s coming to pass! That’s not fair!
I love Dan. I don’t mean I love him romantically; I don’t know if I’m even capable of that anymore. But I do love him and want the best for him. So I suppose You’re gonna say that if I love him, I should want him to be happy, and from his email, he will probably not be happy leaving The Farm, and I don’t want to move to The Farm and this Rose does…. Okay, so she’s probably the better woman for him given his condition.
But over the years I saw glimpses of who Dan could be, a strong man, a gentle man, a man of God, and that is the Dan I want. But I want him to be that way in the world, impervious to the world while affecting the world by the goodness of God shining out of him. And that’s not where he’s at, at all! So why am I upset? Because I saw the glimpses….
So, where does that leave me? Still wanting something I cannot have. That doesn’t seem fair to me, Lord. Rose will now have in her hands the potential for the evolving of what I glimpsed, and I will have missed the prize. I wanted to win! Wait a minute. Is my distress more than pride? Is my pride hurt that Dan has fallen in love with someone else? First, he cheats on me with another man and now he cheats on the dream with another woman! And for me to hang onto him or the dream is nothing but vanity? What a sickening thought!
Well, if I don’t get to win, if I don’t get the prize, why did I have to go through all this? What purpose could it have possibly fulfilled in this whole universe for my life to have been so stupidly lived and so exquisitely dumped on in the end? Can You answer me that, God?
Having worked myself into a fevered pitch, I sat trembling, waiting for His answer, self-righteous as Job. I thought I had God cornered and defied Him to come up with a suitable response. Fortunately, my Father God loves me to the point of ridiculous, and He will answer my impertinent questions as long as I am earnestly seeking Him. And I was.
After a long silence He said, I love my daughters. I don’t want them heart-broken by vicious demons. Someone had to break the ice by putting into words what it is like to be married to a man beset by homosexuality, and I chose you. I asked you to write this story.
When He first asked, I wondered why He wanted it written, but then I remembered all the couples I had met over the years in which the husband had been gay. It’s staggering really. I knew it and at the same time I knew I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t take the wife aside and say, Sweetheart, I know what you’re going through. Because the wife had vowed herself to secrecy. In some cases, she out and out refused to acknowledge it. But it was obvious. And the truth was I couldn’t help them because of my own pain. So, I knew I had to tell my story for all those unknown women who are bound in marriages of silent suffering, not willing to expose their spouses and not knowing what to do.
People like to hide from this subject, especially concerning married men. They like to pretend the problem does not exist. But the police report that when they are called to break up a homosexual tryst in a public men’s restroom, 80% of the time one of the men is a married man. The gay community confirms our first psychologist’s “guesstimate” that 35% of married men are homosexuals. But what about the wives? The public wants to hush this up, but the wives need to know they are not forgotten, or unloved, or unappreciated.
Then as I wondered what needed to be said and how to say it, the Lord led me to Isaiah 22:4. Therefore I said, “Look away from me, I will weep bitterly: Do not labor to comfort me because of the plundering of the daughter of my people.”
Then He led me through Romans 1:21, 24-28.
21 Although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened….
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason, God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise, also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.
28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting.
The Lord continued again in Isaiah 65:5,6,12.
5 Those rebellious people who say, ‘Keep to yourself, do not come near me, for I am holier than you! These are smoke in my nostrils, a fire that burns all the day.
6 Behold it is written before me: I will not keep silence, but I will repay — even repay into their bosom --
12 Therefore I will number you for the sword, and you shall all bow down to the slaughter; because when I called, you did not answer; when I spoke, you did not hear, but did evil before My eyes, and chose that in which I do not delight.
The Lord said to me, I command husbands to love their wives; I delight to see them do it. I see everything. I see their thoughts, their motives, their intentions, and it hurts me when my daughters are plundered. I will put up with it because I love my sons, but I will put up with it for only so long. Then I put an end to the plundering.
I’ve written, this my story, for the benefit of wives who are plundered. God is on your side. It breaks His heart to see you being used and abused. As I read my own story, the picture painted before my own eyes is the faithfulness of God. He brought me out of bondage as clearly as He brought the Israelites out of Egypt. I complained, resisted, and pouted all along the way just like they did. And now I am ending up in the Promised Land. To the women, and men, who are reading this, He wants to lead you out of bondage, too.
The day will come when God will repay, but it won’t be in the way you might expect or pray. God clearly says, Vengence is mine, and recompense (Deut. 32:35).
Wives, put your husbands firmly in the hands of the Living God and let go! God will take vengeance in His own way, and He will recompense you in better ways than you could dream to ask. There’s an old saying, “The best revenge is to live well.” That’s what God will do for you; cause you to live well, starting from the inside out because in order to live well, you must be able to live with yourself.
Writing has been in my blood, so to speak, but when I surren-dered my life to Jesus Christ and He told me to write, all my trepidations rolled away and I began in earnest! After all, if God Almighty says it was His idea that I be a writer, who am I to stand in His way? My hope is that you not only like what I write, but that your life is moved by it, and that your party to Jesus and with Jesus turns your life into days of Heaven on Earth.